TfL unveils ‘Tube network’

LONDON, 17 September: Merely mild discomfort for tired London commuters and tourists is set to become a thing of the past. Transport for London today announces the latest in unpleasant commuting experiences, which it proudly describes as “the single most uncomfortable way to travel since being dragged naked along the road by a pony.”

To be known simply as the London “Tube”, TfL hopes to take unpleasant travel to the next level. The underground network of trains will comprise almost 300 stations, 250 miles of track and eleven individual ‘lines’, to allow city travelers the most complete experience of sweating, overheating, claustrophobia, barely tolerable mechanical noise and cramped surroundings, anywhere in the United Kingdom.

The mayor of London commented on the opening of the Tube network. “We’ll ensure every commuter has the chance to sweat, contract airborne infections and have their faces pressed up against the city’s most unclean, unlike ever before.”

He continues: “Our fleets of buses and overland trains have done a simply smashing job in providing some of the most degrading commuting experiences anyone has ever been forced to tolerate. But with air conditioning so taken for granted these days, we thought it was high time we didn’t use any of it.”

But cramped, overheated commutes weren’t the only goal. TfL assures all passengers that the Tube network will enjoy frequent line closures. Within two years, it promises that at weekends, at least two entire lines will be completely shut down. And on British bank holidays, it will extend this privilege to cover the entire three-day weekend to guarantee as many tourists are as confused as possible.

TfL will also ensure Tube staff are thoroughly vetted before being stationed on its trains and stations. Drivers of Tube trains, for example, will be entitled to vastly superior salaries on the condition that they agree to sitting down for lengthy periods of time, in addition to both opening and closing train doors.

A total of 28 million individual passengers will use the London Tube network each year, so TfL believes it is imperative to deliver the most uncomfortable experience possible, and the most memorably unpleasant journeys for tourists visiting the city from abroad. With ‘Tube’, it believes it will succeed on this vision.

To celebrate the opening of the network, all Underground staff will strike for the first 24 hours of operation.

NOTES TO EDITORS:

1) The London Tube is officially the most uncomfortable way to travel in the whole of the United Kingdom
2) The average commuter can expect delays to total over 72 hours over the course of a year
3) Overcrowding will sometimes require British Transport Police cooperation, and riders can enjoy a free journey to the next closest station in such circumstances to further inconvenience them
4) Thanks to wonderfully poor ventilation, temperatures on platforms can reach 117 degrees fahrenheit.